Courtesy: eHarmony | Posted by Richard La Ruina | Image courtesy:©Thinkstock photos/ Getty images
You’ve made the approach. Now it’s time to open. The opener is quite simply the first words that come out of your mouth. Most guys leave this to chance; they rely on luck or hope. Here, you will learn what to say to women upon the approach and then what to say just afterward to transition smoothly into an interaction that feels natural and unforced.
The Pre-Opener: Just Say Hey
Believe it or not, all openers should start with “Hey.” This pre-opener is an important element, and because it’s counterintuitive—I mean, you expect that first word to be meaningful, right?—it needs to be explained.
Think about it: if you deliver an opener to a woman or a group, most of the time you’ll be interrupting something. They will likely be in conversation already, or at least thinking about something with a conversation going on inside their head. When you start talking, you’re breaking that state, and their response will be, “What?” In fact, they’ll say, “What?” Even if they heard what you said. Think about how you do this in your own life; be aware of your interaction next time you join a group. I only learned this properly when I started as a trainer and watched students open without first saying, “Hey.” The girls would say, “What?” And the interaction always seemed to go badly after that. It got the guys off on the wrong foot from the beginning. The “Hey” is followed by a pause, to ensure that you have the attention of the group before you deliver your actual opener. It’s “Hey!” (Pause as group looks at you.) “Do you guys…” Actually, you’ve got a little leeway here: the pre-opener can be anything that gets the attention of the group: “Hey!” Or “Yo!” Or “Howdy!” Or even something nonverbal, like a raised hand, a funny or inquisitive facial expression, or some other action that makes the girl or group stop what they’re doing and look at you.
Elements of a Successful Opener
The opener is the first real thing you say during an interaction, once you’ve taken the stage with your pre-opener. The best openers make your audience laugh, make you look cool, and are much more interesting than whatever the girls were discussing before you came along. There are various types of openers. An indirect opener is one that doesn’t immediately convey your interest in her and doesn’t put much pressure into the interaction. If you say, “You’re hot and I want you,” that’s very direct and puts a lot of pressure on her; if you say, “When does it get busy here?” there’s no pressure.
Indirect Openers
Here are some indirect openers and how they might be used. Different people feel comfortable saying different kinds of things. You can pick a few from below, modify them to fit you better, and later make up your own. You don’t need hundreds. A couple of solid, tried-and-tested openers are enough.
Are you guys talking about me? Why not?
Humor is the approach here. The key is making certain that the first line is deadpan and the second is delivered with a smile. Women are attracted to the unexpected. When they realize that they’ve fallen into your line, they’ll laugh and become interested in you.
There’s a guy over there who is so perfect for you!
This opener involves approaching a woman, pointing to a guy you (supposedly) think is “perfect” for her, and trying to take her over to meet him. Invariably she’ll refuse, and then you can say how she should trust you because you’re a great matchmaker. That opener leads nicely into conversation on dating and relationships. Her objection is projected onto the other guy, so you’ve got less chance of getting rejected yourself. It also provides a false disqualifier, meaning something that hides the fact that you are hitting on her, ultimately making it easier to hook a group.
You are so…in my way.
If you’ve got a situation where you’re walking and a girl you’re interested in blocks your path, put your hand up as if to gesture her to stop. Look at her seriously and deliver the line. The key is the pause; it makes her think you’re going to say, “You are so beautiful” or some other clichéd statement. If you do it right, it guarantees a laugh. I used to use it when I first started, and the girls would laugh but still carry on walking afterward—so you need to quickly introduce yourself in order to extend the opening.
Are you girls sociable/friendly?
Standard opener—can be delivered with a skeptical face. Be ready for a yes or no answer and have a follow-up ready.
Are you girls super-shy or what?
I’ve been here for ten minutes and you haven’t offered to buy me a drink or even said hello. This one puts them on the spot slightly and then releases the tension; they’ll laugh if it’s delivered right.
Did you invite all these people? I thought it’d just be us.
This is a semi-direct approach, but the pressure is softened by its humor.
Opinion Openers
Opinion openers, a subcategory of indirect openers, are the easiest way for a newbie to start a conversation in a quiet club or bar. They’re good in that they can get a long conversation started pretty easily. A well-crafted opinion opener can guarantee you a few minutes of conversation in which to make a connection. You’ve got two delivery options: you can either make it seem spontaneous or “root” it. A spontaneous opinion opener comes from reacting to something your friend supposedly said and simply asking whoever is nearest—who just happen to be a pair of hot chicks!—what they think. Rooting the opener means that you tell them the reason you’re asking, so that they know why they’re spending their time giving you their advice. All of the examples below include roots, but remember that you can always go the spontaneous route if the situation calls for it.
How soon is too soon to get engaged?
Here’s how you might deliver this one: “You look like you can help me with something. My friend is coming in an hour and he needs my advice. He’s known his girlfriend for three months and he’s going to ask her to marry him tomorrow. He says he wants my advice, but I think he’s already made his mind up. I think it’s too soon, but if I tell him that he might never talk to me again. On the other hand, if I say it’s a good idea and it doesn’t work out, I’ll feel responsible. So what do you guys think, how soon is too soon to get engaged?” This is a fantastic opener that leads straight into relationship talk and has a lot of drama built in.
What kind of present should I get for my friend’s girlfriend?
“Hey, I need your advice on something. My best friend had to rush away on business—he’s got the biggest business deal of his life going—and he’s asked me a massive favor. He’s given me two hundred dollars and asked me to get a present for his girlfriend. He’s done so much for me over the years, so I said I’d take care of it. I really want to get it right. I’ve been giving it some thought, but I’m pretty stuck. Do you have any ideas?” This is a great one for daytime, in malls and stores, but it can also be used at night. It’s very flexible and also very engaging because it hits a great topic—shopping and gifts!
Direct Openers
It took a while before I had the confidence to deliver a direct opener. You have to believe in what you say and put yourself on the line. You have to have complete authority. If there’s even a hint of weakness and the girl picks up on it, the opener will fall flat. When you have confidence from your success with other openers, or if you’re confident because you can tell the girl is attracted to you, bring out the direct opener and it’ll be fantastic. You will receive super-fast results and women will think you’re incredible because of your boldness. With a direct opener, if she doesn’t respond negatively, take the direct route and escalate quickly.
Here are some examples:
• I saw you and just had to come and tell you that you have the most amazing smile/energy/legs/fashion sense.
• I know this is kind of random, but I had to tell you that you’re just too cute.
• Do you know who you remind me of? Someone I want to meet.
• I saw you and I knew that if I didn’t come and introduce myself, I’d be kicking myself all day.
Situational Openers
Situational openers are what I mainly use now, after years of trial and error. When you find yourself spontaneously using situational openers, you know you have them down. This means you’re well on the path to becoming a true natural. A situational opener involves taking something about the current situation and using that to start the interaction. It could be noticing something about the woman you’re approaching; it could be a Seinfeld-esque “What’s the deal with that guy?” Usually it’s noticing something about the environment and posing the first question that comes to mind: “How can they eat ice cream in the winter?” “Would you wear that?” In looking back on an evening, I know when I used a situational opener because when I try to remember which opener I used, I can’t. It’s so natural and unconscious and uncalculated that it slips my mind. The way to become comfortable being as natural as possible is to get used to saying whatever comes into your head, without delay or planning.
You’ve made the approach. Now it’s time to open. The opener is quite simply the first words that come out of your mouth. Most guys leave this to chance; they rely on luck or hope. Here, you will learn what to say to women upon the approach and then what to say just afterward to transition smoothly into an interaction that feels natural and unforced.
The Pre-Opener: Just Say Hey
Believe it or not, all openers should start with “Hey.” This pre-opener is an important element, and because it’s counterintuitive—I mean, you expect that first word to be meaningful, right?—it needs to be explained.
Think about it: if you deliver an opener to a woman or a group, most of the time you’ll be interrupting something. They will likely be in conversation already, or at least thinking about something with a conversation going on inside their head. When you start talking, you’re breaking that state, and their response will be, “What?” In fact, they’ll say, “What?” Even if they heard what you said. Think about how you do this in your own life; be aware of your interaction next time you join a group. I only learned this properly when I started as a trainer and watched students open without first saying, “Hey.” The girls would say, “What?” And the interaction always seemed to go badly after that. It got the guys off on the wrong foot from the beginning. The “Hey” is followed by a pause, to ensure that you have the attention of the group before you deliver your actual opener. It’s “Hey!” (Pause as group looks at you.) “Do you guys…” Actually, you’ve got a little leeway here: the pre-opener can be anything that gets the attention of the group: “Hey!” Or “Yo!” Or “Howdy!” Or even something nonverbal, like a raised hand, a funny or inquisitive facial expression, or some other action that makes the girl or group stop what they’re doing and look at you.
Elements of a Successful Opener
The opener is the first real thing you say during an interaction, once you’ve taken the stage with your pre-opener. The best openers make your audience laugh, make you look cool, and are much more interesting than whatever the girls were discussing before you came along. There are various types of openers. An indirect opener is one that doesn’t immediately convey your interest in her and doesn’t put much pressure into the interaction. If you say, “You’re hot and I want you,” that’s very direct and puts a lot of pressure on her; if you say, “When does it get busy here?” there’s no pressure.
Indirect Openers
Here are some indirect openers and how they might be used. Different people feel comfortable saying different kinds of things. You can pick a few from below, modify them to fit you better, and later make up your own. You don’t need hundreds. A couple of solid, tried-and-tested openers are enough.
Are you guys talking about me? Why not?
Humor is the approach here. The key is making certain that the first line is deadpan and the second is delivered with a smile. Women are attracted to the unexpected. When they realize that they’ve fallen into your line, they’ll laugh and become interested in you.
There’s a guy over there who is so perfect for you!
This opener involves approaching a woman, pointing to a guy you (supposedly) think is “perfect” for her, and trying to take her over to meet him. Invariably she’ll refuse, and then you can say how she should trust you because you’re a great matchmaker. That opener leads nicely into conversation on dating and relationships. Her objection is projected onto the other guy, so you’ve got less chance of getting rejected yourself. It also provides a false disqualifier, meaning something that hides the fact that you are hitting on her, ultimately making it easier to hook a group.
You are so…in my way.
If you’ve got a situation where you’re walking and a girl you’re interested in blocks your path, put your hand up as if to gesture her to stop. Look at her seriously and deliver the line. The key is the pause; it makes her think you’re going to say, “You are so beautiful” or some other clichéd statement. If you do it right, it guarantees a laugh. I used to use it when I first started, and the girls would laugh but still carry on walking afterward—so you need to quickly introduce yourself in order to extend the opening.
Are you girls sociable/friendly?
Standard opener—can be delivered with a skeptical face. Be ready for a yes or no answer and have a follow-up ready.
Are you girls super-shy or what?
I’ve been here for ten minutes and you haven’t offered to buy me a drink or even said hello. This one puts them on the spot slightly and then releases the tension; they’ll laugh if it’s delivered right.
Did you invite all these people? I thought it’d just be us.
This is a semi-direct approach, but the pressure is softened by its humor.
Opinion Openers
Opinion openers, a subcategory of indirect openers, are the easiest way for a newbie to start a conversation in a quiet club or bar. They’re good in that they can get a long conversation started pretty easily. A well-crafted opinion opener can guarantee you a few minutes of conversation in which to make a connection. You’ve got two delivery options: you can either make it seem spontaneous or “root” it. A spontaneous opinion opener comes from reacting to something your friend supposedly said and simply asking whoever is nearest—who just happen to be a pair of hot chicks!—what they think. Rooting the opener means that you tell them the reason you’re asking, so that they know why they’re spending their time giving you their advice. All of the examples below include roots, but remember that you can always go the spontaneous route if the situation calls for it.
How soon is too soon to get engaged?
Here’s how you might deliver this one: “You look like you can help me with something. My friend is coming in an hour and he needs my advice. He’s known his girlfriend for three months and he’s going to ask her to marry him tomorrow. He says he wants my advice, but I think he’s already made his mind up. I think it’s too soon, but if I tell him that he might never talk to me again. On the other hand, if I say it’s a good idea and it doesn’t work out, I’ll feel responsible. So what do you guys think, how soon is too soon to get engaged?” This is a fantastic opener that leads straight into relationship talk and has a lot of drama built in.
What kind of present should I get for my friend’s girlfriend?
“Hey, I need your advice on something. My best friend had to rush away on business—he’s got the biggest business deal of his life going—and he’s asked me a massive favor. He’s given me two hundred dollars and asked me to get a present for his girlfriend. He’s done so much for me over the years, so I said I’d take care of it. I really want to get it right. I’ve been giving it some thought, but I’m pretty stuck. Do you have any ideas?” This is a great one for daytime, in malls and stores, but it can also be used at night. It’s very flexible and also very engaging because it hits a great topic—shopping and gifts!
Direct Openers
It took a while before I had the confidence to deliver a direct opener. You have to believe in what you say and put yourself on the line. You have to have complete authority. If there’s even a hint of weakness and the girl picks up on it, the opener will fall flat. When you have confidence from your success with other openers, or if you’re confident because you can tell the girl is attracted to you, bring out the direct opener and it’ll be fantastic. You will receive super-fast results and women will think you’re incredible because of your boldness. With a direct opener, if she doesn’t respond negatively, take the direct route and escalate quickly.
Here are some examples:
• I saw you and just had to come and tell you that you have the most amazing smile/energy/legs/fashion sense.
• I know this is kind of random, but I had to tell you that you’re just too cute.
• Do you know who you remind me of? Someone I want to meet.
• I saw you and I knew that if I didn’t come and introduce myself, I’d be kicking myself all day.
Situational Openers
Situational openers are what I mainly use now, after years of trial and error. When you find yourself spontaneously using situational openers, you know you have them down. This means you’re well on the path to becoming a true natural. A situational opener involves taking something about the current situation and using that to start the interaction. It could be noticing something about the woman you’re approaching; it could be a Seinfeld-esque “What’s the deal with that guy?” Usually it’s noticing something about the environment and posing the first question that comes to mind: “How can they eat ice cream in the winter?” “Would you wear that?” In looking back on an evening, I know when I used a situational opener because when I try to remember which opener I used, I can’t. It’s so natural and unconscious and uncalculated that it slips my mind. The way to become comfortable being as natural as possible is to get used to saying whatever comes into your head, without delay or planning.
